


Broken Blue Flame

by Snow_Leopard_777



Category: Original Work
Genre: Aliases, Cutting, Fake Names, Familial support (just the cousin), Guilt, I don't think like this, I promise, Just why?, Mafia protection, Overly-protective mother, Remorse, Secret Agent, Sending a-hole mafia men flying across cafes, Unplanned Pregnancy, apoligies, friends - Freeform, trigger warning, why was this in my head?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-12 22:31:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16004642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow_Leopard_777/pseuds/Snow_Leopard_777
Summary: The book skips in time a bit, starting when Alice is in the agency, and then moving along through her life, finally going at a normal speed, re-not flashbacks, after Evan finally accepts the fact that Alice's pregnancy was caused by him and he manages to track down the elusive ex-spy.TRIGGER WARNING: THERE IS CUTTING AND SOME SEMI-SUICIDAL CONTENTEvan is a bastard at the beginning, yes, I know. Please don't hate on him too much, trust me, there are men worse than him.





	1. Chapter 1

**_.5 _ **

 

La Gatta hid under the house as the men swarmed it. No one knew who she truly was anymore, the people she had just gotten out calling her by her new name, the name the Agency gave her after they faked her death the year before. She was now one of their top operatives, putting everything she had into her job. There was no longer anything for her to lose. The world knew her as La Gatta, or She-cat, instead of the Alice she was born with. One shot rang out over her head, and glass shattered. Soon after, more shots were fired, glass clinking as it was shattered, dull thumps from the bullets hitting more substantial objects. She knew these people would fake that they had killed this family, and show the house as evidence, claiming that they already disposed of the bodies.

Her job was technically just to map out routes through the unknown that Americans could use to hide/stash troops in wartimes, but she couldn’t let the family be killed just because a different family member, already dead, killed another man. She knew now that the mafia, especially in Sicily, didn’t play. La Gatta led the family down the passageway she’d found, leading them into the catacombs beneath the city. The catacombs spread for hundreds of miles in any direction, but she knew where she wanted to go. She followed the branches that would lead her to Syracuse, and out of Catania. Once they are there, she advises them to go to Malta, a small island close to Sicilia.

She creeped through the tunnels back to her ‘home.’ She came out of the tunnels in the restaurant where she waitressed, already in uniform, long used to doing things like this. The men she’d just heard destroy the home of an innocent family came in shortly after her shift started. Her boss jerked his head towards the back room, and she walked back. “Are you sure you can deal with these guys? You’re still new to this.”

La Gatta looked at him, startled. “Of course. I’ve dealt with men like them before.” She answered.

Her boss shook his head with a rueful smile. He knew who she was, the Agency had given him a good scare when they came to him with her. “Whatever you say, She-cat.” He said. “Go back to work.”

La Gatta nodded and walked out of the room. She wasn’t surprised, the Agency usually had plants like him when they sent in agents. She had earned her name at the Agency, as all do. Her mentor had noticed her cat-like actions, and though she was small, she was vicious. This had earned her the name she would be known as. The mafia men were already causing a ruckus, celebrating their ‘victory’ over the small family. She took their orders with a smile, but made sure her eyes were hard and cold.

One man considered messing with the small, pretty waitress in front of him, but his allies warned him off as soon as she walked off. “She’s not one to mess with, she’s seen things.” One man said. When he asked how his comrade knew, the man replied, “Look into someone’s eyes next time you consider something. Even though she was smiling, her eyes were cold and hard. She’s seen things, and I’d bet my mother that she’s dealt with people like you before.” Even with the older man’s warning, he decided to try it.

When she made her pass, he reached out and slapped her bottom. The cafe went silent for a moment, then he felt himself flying, and heard the crashing of a table. The man that had warned him earlier walked over to help him up. The cafe was still silent, so everyone heard him when he said, “I warned you about trying things like that, didn’t I? Maybe next time you’ll listen.” Revenge flickered across his mind, that waitress had made him look like a fool, but he was easily read. “I warned you about her once. Don’t try anything else, she kicked you way to easily, meaning she’s used to that. Use your head.” The older man then walked away, threw some cash on the table, then walked out of the cafe. “That should be enough to cover the table.” He told the owner as he went out the door.

Each mafia member that came in threw some cash on the table and left, until the man who had tried La Gatta was the only one left. He snorted, then walked out without leaving anything. Once all the men were safely down the road, the cafe broke into applause. No one there had ever earned the respect of the mafia members rather than get killed by them, but what La Gatta did not know was that the older man who had warned the others was Luciano’s mafia’s enforcer.

After her shift, La Gatta hurried home. The older man from the cafe was waiting in front of her apartment when she made it back. “Greetings.” He said, inclining his head. La Gatta repeated the gesture. “What is your name?” He asks.

“Alessandra.” She answered with one of her aliases. He studied the small figure in front of him.

“Where did you learn to kick like that? You were ready to do more, but you stopped yourself. Why?”

She sensed that his questions needed to be answered as truthfully as she could manage. “My father trained me. He said that girls needed to be able to protect themselves. I stopped myself because I know how much damage I can do thanks to my type of training, and I just wanted to warn him off. I’m not a mafia member.”

Aatto studied the small spitfire named Alessandra, and decided her name fit her. “You have earned the respect of the mafia. If you ever need our help, we will be there. You will also be safe from any member of our mafia. Abbot Luciano himself declared you off limits, and Actaeon will be dealt with personally.”

La Gatta bowed her head. “Thank-you. May I have your name?” She asked. She knew Abbot meant father, but she did not know what this man’s name would mean.

He smiled, once and ferocious. “Aatto.” He said. La Gatta nodded. She could see him as a noble wolf. “Ciao.” He said, then left. La Gatta was sure she’d never see him again, but knew she’d keep her alliance with the mafia secret from the Agency, but leave the badge she’d find in the mail on her person at all times. As long as she had it, if she was found dead, the mafia would avenge her death.

It did not take much longer for the Agency to pull her out of Catania. The mafia man who had hit her, Actaeon, had been found dead, missing some of his most vital male parts. Her mentor suspected what had happened, but did not mention it. La Gatta went straight to Mission Control with her parcels, intending to drop them off and be debriefed, but her captain called her to his office before she got to MC.

“I’ll take those, and your debriefing. After this, you are going under deep cover, one even more secure than you being supposed dead from that fire. This is the anniversary of your death, so it’s only fitting we should make you disappear even more securely. Get ready, quickly after we’re done.” He said.

La Gatta nodded, then told everything that had happen except for the mafia sending their capo de mafioso to speak with her. Captain listened intently, then nodded as if he had expected no less.

“I’m sure that they extended their protection to you, as well, but we’ll just keep that between us. You’re going to need that alliance where you’re going.” He handed her the file. “These men must be brought down as securely as possible. I don’t care how you take care of them, just make sure none of them are able to see the light of day again, one way or the other.” He said. La Gatta took the file with nothing but a quick nod at her captain.

Precisely six months later, she is rushed to the hospital with three bullets in her chest. The Agency never caught the mole that ratted her out, nor the man who put three in their best agent- their best guess is the man who turned up dead two days later.


	2. Chapter 2

 

**_ 1 _ **

 

She creeped her car the last few feet up her ex-boyfriend’s parent’s house. She had been forced to flee her new home in northern Tennessee when several men who knew who she really was attacked her one night. As a secret agent, her real name was never to be revealed, not even to her partner, but these men knew her as Alice, not La Gatta, or she-cat. Their ambush was very well planned, she hadn’t been completely on guard when she’d entered her apartment thanks to a call from her mother, and the men caught her during a vulnerable moment. Now she had moderate to severe injuries, but still nearly laughed at the irony of her situation. She and Evan had broken up right before she started her new job and life. He had accused her of cheating on him because she had seemingly grown distant the last few weeks of their relationship.

            The truth was, she wasn’t sure how to handle her life with Evan while starting her new job, but didn’t protest when he wanted to break things off. She knew that the less contact he had with her, the safer he’d be. She thought back to his promise in high school. “You and me against the world, forever.” That promise had meant the world to her when she was younger, and now meant next to nothing. She managed to place the truck in park, turn it off, and then the world went black, a loud wail emanating through the air.  

 

She woke up to see Evan’s mother looking in her eyes. Alice blinked several times, then tried to sit up. Mrs. Jann gently pushed her back. “Lie still, I need to see how bad these things are. You may need to go to the hospital.”

            “I won’t.” Alice quickly told her. “My injuries may be bad, but they aren’t fatal. I’ve had both before, so trust me when I say I’ll be fine.” Her eyes flickered for a minute, then her sight was clear again. “Um, how did I get in here, exactly?”

            “Jack carried you in. We heard the horn go off when you got here, and rushed to see what was going on. We got you out just before your truck would have rolled back downhill. It wasn’t fully in park,” she said in answer to the confusion in the young girl’s eyes. “Why didn’t you go to your mama?”

            “I don’t want her to worry. She’s concerned enough knowing we had to fake my death for me to be able to do my job, I don’t want her to see me like this.” She managed. Black dots were dancing in her vision, but she refused to let herself pass out again. “How did you even recognize me?” She asked, mostly to take her mind off the pain Mrs. Jann’s treatment was causing. She felt the older woman look at her writs, but neither of them said anything.

            “Who else would pull up here like that? Besides, that’s the same truck you drove when you and Evan were dating, right down to the dent your horse put in it. It’s just a matter of putting the pieces together, and listening to you sleep talk.” Jannett looked down at the girl she’d cared about for several years. It was easy to see the girl was fading fast, and fighting it every inch of the way. “Go ahead and sleep. You’ll be safe here, and your body needs time and energy to heal. Sleep.” She commanded once before turning out the guest room light and walking out. She gently closed the door behind her, intending to find Jack and talk to him about what they should do.

            She remembered Alice easily, the girl had some kind of light that shone through from the inside. That light had been considerably dimmed, but it was still there. Alice had left New Hope before she had even turned 18, thanks to a late birthday, and had often returned to see Evan’s family, as well as her own. Evan had broken up with Alice right after Alice’s last year of college, claiming she was cheating on him. He had been wrong, as Alice had talked to Jannett about what she should do about her relationship with Evan. Two weeks after she broke up with Evan, the apartment she lived in caught on fire, incinerating Alice’s little apartment, but nothing else. The police ruled it a freak accident that tragically killed the single occupant of the rooms, but Alice returned home to assure her mother she was alright.

            Jannett had known Alice was alright because she had ridden past Alice’s parent’s house when Alice came back for a few days, and saw all of them there, together, holding on to each other like they would never let go. Jannett had stopped to make sure she was seeing right, then heard Alice proclaim, “If you ever need to contact me, call the agency and ask for _La Gatta,_ or _She-cat_. That is how I will be known.” Jann had not told her husband, son, or even her sister what she had witnessed, or even that Alice was alive. That gig was over now.

            She found Jack in the garage, working under the hood of Alice’s truck. “It’s really her, isn’t it?” He asked. He didn’t have to clarify what _her_ he meant.

            “Yes. She isn’t as badly hurt as we first feared, mostly just cuts and bruises. Nothing my stitches couldn’t fix. Evan’s due home in a couple days, what are we going to do with her?”

            “Let her stay. There’s no where she could go that there wouldn’t be questions about why she’s alive.” He gave Jann a meaningful look, then went back to work.

            “Who told you? I barely caught sight of her before her family ushered her inside.” She said, surprised that Jack had already known about Alice’s being alive.

            “It’s New Hope, Jann, there are no secrets. Alice’s grandmother was talking about it at the Pig. Her granddaughter’s ‘miraculous survival.’ She wasn’t even in the building, was she?”

            “I don’t know. I just saw her for a minute before her family pulled her inside. Long enough to see her truck, recognize her, and listen to one sentence. I wasn’t sure if I should tell anyone, so I stayed quiet.”

            Jack nodded, which was a mistake when under a hood. He snatched his now sore head out from under the hood, turning the air blue with his curse words. Jann suppressed her laughter, and moved up to hug her husband from behind. “I think we may need to call Linda-gail.” She said, referring to his mother. “She knows a lot more about this than I do, and may be able to help Alice a bit more.”

            Jack nodded again, still rubbing his head. “I’ve done all I can for the fucking truck tonight. I don’t know how she managed to drive that thing at all, it’s nearly ruined.” They both jump at the yowling that comes out of the old truck, then James slowly walks forward and looked into the window. Two cats stood still, glaring at him as though he had purposely left them in there. The smaller one yowled again, clearly ready to get out of the truck. He pulls the door open and steps out, letting the cats race past him and onto the porch of the house. They paced back and forth on the porch until he and Jann got up to the door and opened it, after which they darted into the house, down the hall, and straight into the guest room.

            “Didn’t you close that door?” Jack asked. Jann nodded. He didn’t have to ask if she was sure, she always knew what she did. He walked forward to look in the room. The only thing he saw was Alice sitting up, both cats rubbing against her as they circled.

            “Hey, Mr. Jack. Hey, Mrs. Jann.” Alice said.

            “Alice, did you get up and open this door?” Jann asked her.

            “No ma’am. My cats woke me up just now.” Alice didn’t ask any questions. Her job had taught her that silence is always the best tactic.

            “Lay back down, I’ll bring you something to eat later on. Linda-gail should be coming to look at you soon, hopefully she can do more than I did.” Jann said, pushing Alice back on the pillows. She made sure to secure the door behind her, and walked into the kitchen to try to put supper together.

 

            It didn’t take long for Linda-gail and Peter, Jack’s dad, to arrive. They didn’t show up at the house until the next day, but Linda-gail had all the materials she might need to help any ailments Alice might have. She and Peter both wondered how the girl could’ve survived, as they weren’t as integrated into the New Hope community, but didn’t ask any questions. Linda-gail disappeared into the room with Alice, while Jann and Jack were left trying to figure out what to do with Peter.

            They both knew that Peter had no qualms about asking questions, nor did he usually apply the manners he had learned at birth. They clumsily deflected the things he asked, then both froze when he brought up the question they had been dreading. “What happens when Evan gets back? That workshop was only temporary, and you both know the first thing he’ll do is check on you two.”

            They both exchanged a look, then turned around. “We’re not really sure what we’ll do…” Jann began, but the rest of what she said meant nothing, because at that second, Evan’s truck could be seen coming down the drive. “Shit.” She whispered. She knew exactly how Evan’s routine went. No matter how many objections she made, he would insist upon staying the night, eating supper with them, and helping with anything she and Jack couldn’t manage on their own.

            What she didn’t know, was that it was the anniversary of Alice’s death, which always tortured Evan. He had come home early because the workshop had finished, and he wanted home. He’d never tell his parents how horrible he felt about Alice’s death, but he always wanted to spend the day with them. He pulled down the drive, and was surprised to see his grandfather waiting for him with his parents. He slowed as he pulled up to his usual parking place, then got out of the truck to greet his family. “Where’s Grandma?” He asked his grandfather, knowing he wouldn’t have come without her.

            “She’s inside. She had to use the restroom.” Peter answered easily, trying to buy time for Linda-gail to finish. He didn’t want his grandson’s heart broken again. No one in their family believed Alice had cheated on Evan, but they all knew that she was upset about something, and it hurt Evan. Peter knew it was wrong, but he wished Alice had really died in the fire when she was supposed to. He hadn’t set the fire, but things would have been easier on his family if she had died.

            Evan tried to watch the door without letting anyone else know he was watching. He had picked up on the vibes from his family, and it concerned him. He had never seen them act so jumpy. His heart jumped into his throat when he saw his grandmother walk out onto the porch covered in blood. He was by her side within a heartbeat, trying to figure out what was wrong. It took several minutes for her words to penetrate, “Evan! I’m fine, it’s not my blood!” She finally twisted his ear and yelled.

            “Then whose is it?” He asked, befuddled. His parents and grandfather were clearly fine, and his grandmother didn’t appear to be hurt.

            “A girl managed to make it here before she collapsed. I’ve been trying to save her, as she apparently refuses to go to the hospital. Something about things being safer for everyone if she didn’t.” She said. “Jann, I need some help. I’ve almost finished, but these last steps need extra hands so that I don’t hurt her even more.”

            “I’m coming.” Jann said. She resisted the urge to tell her son to stay out, she had never done so before, to start now would look suspicious. She walked slowly up the steps, dreading the conversations to come. She hoped she could keep Evan out of the guest room, but she knew she couldn’t. Even when he was little, he’d sneak in there to try to cheer up the patient, if nothing else.

            Evan followed the women of his family, intending to help them. Then other men did not follow him, it would be to obvious that they were trying to stop him. Instead, they sat and waited for the incoming explosion.

            Jann wasn’t quite fast enough, and Evan made it into the room right behind her. She wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not that Alice was unrecognizable to her eyes, even after she’d just seen her. Still, Evan froze for a few moments beside her. She wondered if her son had noticed the similarities between this girl and the Alice he used to know. She was not, however, allowed to contemplate her son’s reaction for more than a few moments, as Linda-gail was not lying when she had said that this work would require another set of hands. Linda-gail was, obviously, the better nurse, but Jann managed to keep up by the skin of her teeth.

            By the time they were finished saving Alice’s life, they all were covered in blood and needed a shower. “This is why hospitals have scrubs.” Linda-gail sulked. “This was a good shirt.” The shirt in question was ten years old and about to be full of holes. Jann and Linda-gail both got in the shower while Evan went to get his bags out of his truck.

            “How’d it go?” His dad asked when he walked out.

            “Fine. I think she’ll live.” Evan said while he walked to the truck. He felt like there was an undercurrent to what his dad was saying, but he wasn’t sure, as there was rarely ever an actual undercurrent to his dad’s words. When his grandfather cut his eyes at Evan’s dad, he paid closer attention. “It threw me for a loop for a couple minutes, that girl looks similar to my old girl-friend, but Alice is dead, and this girl clearly isn’t dead yet.” He tried to read his suddenly closed off male family. “Mama and Grandma are both in the showers. Grandma’s complaining that she ruined a good shirt, but her complaints won’t last long.” He said.

           

They gathered around the dinner table, all except the patient in the guest room. Her presence was almost tangible, hanging around the table. The women did not mention the scars they had both noticed on her wrists, instead focusing on lest volatile topics. Things like the newest family gossip, how the seminar was, and work was all discussed, but the other girl was never so much as mentioned. Linda-gail and Peter left soon after dinner, and Evan retreated to his room. He got up several times throughout the night to go to the kitchen for something to drink, to use the bathroom, any excuse he could think of to stop and check in on the ghost girl- as he’d decided to think of her- as she appeared to look like the ghost of Alice.

            It wasn’t until three in the morning that the sleep-talking began.


	3. Chapter 3

**_ 1.5 _ **

Evan grabbed her wrists. “How long has this been going on?” He shouted at her. “Answer me!” He demanded, shaking her till her teeth seemed to rattle in her own skull.

“It doesn’t matter.” She choked out after he stopped shaking her. “I don’t see how this is any of your business anyway!” She shouted back, dropping the razor in the sink. “You lost the right to know anything about my life a long time ago!”

“Two years is not a long time, and dammit, I still care! I never stopped! You don’t know how it ate me up inside, thinking that maybe if I’d just listened to you that day you’d still be alive! Now you’re in front of me, but you’re not the Alice I fell for! What’s wrong with you!” He demanded. She could tell his temper was fraying quickly.

She never thought that she’d see Evan again, much less that he’d care that she’d been cutting herself- or even find out about it, for that matter. “I’m broken, okay?” She shouted again. “For a time, I was able to relieve some of the pain by just drawing on my arm, as you all saw at school, but after what you said, drawing wasn’t enough anymore! Then I started working for the agency, and I just couldn’t take some of the things I’ve had to do, what people have done _to_ me! I didn’t tell you these things back then for a reason! Why do you think I refused to stop drawing on my arms!”

“What reasons could you have possibly had to hide this from me! You know you weren’t alone back then, we could’ve gotten you help!”

“Do you think my mother didn’t try that?” She bitterly spat out. “I wasn’t cutting myself back then, I just considered suicide. A psychiatrist’s ‘help’ wasn’t what I needed back then, and it sure as hell won’t help me now! Evan, I was abused! I was beaten by my so-called father! What more do you want from me!” She screamed. “If you really cared, you leave me alone, rather than toying with me! I can’t take it again!”

“Dammit, Alice, I never toyed with you.” Evan said, running his hand through his hair, his energy suddenly spent. “I truly cared about you, and I still do. Otherwise I could walk away, no problems, no regrets.” He said, then saw a realization dawn in Alice’s eyes, though he didn’t know what it was.

“Then I’ll walk away.” She said, tired of fighting- for anything- for her honor, her feelings, her life, she was just done. She turned and began to walk away, but was caught in an iron embrace before she managed to take five steps.

“You’re not walking out, either. We’re both going to stick around and see how this plays out- this time.” He told her. She knew she wouldn’t have any choice about the matter until he fell asleep. She could leave then, he had always been a heavy sleeper.

“Alright.” She said after a few seconds, almost as if she was considering what he had said. He knew that she’d try to escape, and so tried to remember if he had any good sleeping medications left over from when he couldn’t sleep for thinking of her. He was pretty sure there was some in his side table’s drawer, and so made himself leave her long enough to go check and slip the little vial in his pocket. He didn’t have any pills left, but there was the vial of stuff that the local apothecary had given him that worked very well.

He came back down from his room to see Alice slip back into the bathroom, and followed her in. He grabbed the razor-blade out of the sink before she could grab it, then pulled his pack of razors out of the drawer. “Not for you.” He said, then walked out, shutting the door behind him.

She was glad that he just thought she was looking for the razor, rather than looking for anything big enough to let her squeeze out of the house. She knew he had two windows in his room, but she didn’t want to use those unless absolutely necessary. She was afraid that he might wake up in time to stop her if she used those windows to make her escape. She knew she’d have to leave him a note, just to let him know that she’d left. She may have let him into her bed, figuratively speaking- as they were in his bed- but she’d be damned if she’d continue to make that mistake.

She walked out of the bathroom a couple minutes later and rounded the corner to the library. She knew Evan hadn’t noticed her yet, as he was so focused on getting a small vial to pour into one of the drinks. She knew what it was immediately after she smelt the herbs in it. It was a sleeping potion, and a strong one at that. She backed up a few paces, then made a lot of sound as she walked to the library, hoping that Evan would hear her and panic a bit.

She knew she’d hit her mark when she rounded the corner for the second time and saw his face, his hands tucked behind him like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “I made hot chocolate.” Was the first thing he said, reminding her that he had often made that for her during their courtship.

“What do you want, Evan?” She asked, not needing to feign the fatigue of her voice.

“I thought that we might share a glass of coca and go to bed.” He answered immediately, the cursed himself, as he knew the answer was way too quick. “What did you mean earlier by saying that you’re broken?” He asked as he held a cup out to her. She took it and could immediately smell the potion in the drink.

“Just what it sounded like,” she responded as she headed to the couch. “I’m broken.”

“How so?” He asked, watching her every movement.

Alice lifted the cup to her lips and pretended to take a sip. “Evan, I’ve been beaten, abused, brutally dumped, shot, killed, and just royally screwed over by life. Just face the facts, I finally broke, and there’s no way you or anyone else can fix me.” She said calmly, letting her words slur slightly at the end, almost as if the dose Evan put in the coca was too strong and was already taking effect. She let her eyes droop, and saw Evan lean over her and pick her up before she let her body go completely limp, as if in sleep. His hand brushed gently through her hair and nearly broke her completely, but she held her act together by a sheer force of will.

She felt him lay her in the bed next to him, and also felt him slowly slip into sleep. She knew he was deeply under when the first snore escaped his sleeping form. That’s when she wiggled out of his bed and went to find some stationary and a pen. Her note nearly made her cry, coming straight from the heart:

 

            Dear Evan,

                        You know I am no good for you. I am the broken girl, unable to find my place no matter how hard I look. I am the broken girl, worse than Humpty Dumpty when he fell off the wall. I’m sorry for leaving you like this, but do not come after me. This should be the last interaction you and I have at all for the rest of this lifetime. You are not bound to me by anything we have created together- nor do you need to continue to believe you can save me. The only person who can do that is myself, and only then after a long struggle. You used to be my best friend, but I love you too much for us to go back to that state, nor can I fully accept us being back together. That leaves only one option for me. I’m sorry for any pain I’ve caused you, but it would just be worse the longer we waited. I know you may truly care for me, but that isn’t always enough, my own parents are proof of that. I’ll love you until I draw my last breath, and maybe even after that, but for now I have to go. You’re one of the very select few who hold the key to my heart, and I’ll leave it with you. I may be the broken girl, but if you want to remember me, look to the moon. This paper isn’t very big, and I’ve run out of room to write, so I must say one last thing. You’re the best friend that I ever had, and know that I will always mourn your loss. But the only thing I can bring you is pain, and I will not let you become the broken boy.

                                                                                                                                                                                    Good-bye.

 

Alice folded the note, then crept back into Evans room. She gently laid the note on the pillow where her head had just been, where it would be directly in Evan’s eyesight once he awoke. She walked out of the bedroom, then out of the house without looking back. She clambered into her car, starting the engine and driving away even as Evan awoke and reached out for her, instinctively knowing she was gone. She could barely hear his howl of pain as she drove away, one single tear rolling down her face. _I’m sorry_ echoed in her head as she mouthed only three words into the rearview mirror as she left him for the last time- _Good-bye, my love._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you guys think, this is a story I'm not really sure about.


	4. Chapter 4

**_ 1.7 _ **

She stared down at the test with a pink plus, clearly stating that she was pregnant. She’d mostly managed to stop cutting herself after she’d left Evan, knowing she had to cure herself for some reason, but not knowing why. Now she knew. She considered trying to contact Evan, but quickly decided against the idea. It had been three months since she’d last seen him, and didn’t think that she should tell him about this when she knew he didn’t think he could have kids. She wondered how she could be so foolish as to see what was happening just now. Morning sickness, gaining weight no matter what she tried, the dogging feeling of fatigue, she’d witnessed other women having them all before. She had considered going back into the Agency, but those plans were shot now. She wasn’t going to risk herself, or the child growing inside her.

She stared at the phone. Cameron had told her to call him if she found herself needing his help for anything, but she couldn’t bring herself to pick up the phone quite yet. She just wanted to spend a little time musing over the fact that she would actually be a mother- a single mother. She wouldn’t call Evan, it wouldn’t be right for either of them. The thought of abortion never crossed her mind, she knew she’d want the child, not just because they’d have a part of Evan, but because this child would be the first thing in a long time she could call truly hers.

She considered the best path for her to take. Some would argue that she had to give the child up for adoption, but she knew she would keep the child. A strong rush of love for the small life growing inside her ran through her body, and she was staggered at the force of it, as she hadn’t even met the child yet. She was sure her cousin could tell her of a good neighborhood she could move to and get a job in. But before she could head to phone to call her cousin, someone started to pound on her door.

“I’m coming!” She shouted, and headed to the front door. She yanked it open to see Evan, soaked to the skin with rain from the storm she hadn’t noticed raging. She froze for a few heartbeats, then, “How did you find me?” She asked, stepping aside to let him in.

“You didn’t think I’d just let you disappear like that, did you? I’ve been searching for you since you left.” He said, one eyebrow raised as he stepped inside. “Why did you leave like that?” He demanded after a few seconds of standing silently.

“I told you in my note. I was broken, and didn’t want you broken with me. I’m still broken, but I’m slowly getting better.”

“How so? How do you judge something like that? By how many cuts you draw on your wrist?” Evan knew he’d gone too far when her face paled at his words, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself, wouldn’t stop himself as two months of pent up fury and worry poured out of him and onto her.

“That is similar to how I judge it, but at first it was just how many cuts I managed to repress the urge to do. Now I rarely feel even the urge to cut. That’s how I measure it. My thoughts aren’t as dark as they were, nor is my soul.”

Evan stared at her for a second, his temper cooling after his tirade. “You look very different. Why.” He said, rather than asking her, as he wouldn’t let her doge the question.

“I think it’s the fact that I’m getting better.” She said, averting her eyes from his.

“That’s not it.” He said. “Tell me the truth this time.  I’m not leaving until you do. Why do you look different?”

Alice held her breath as she told him what the true difference in her was. “I’m pregnant.” She said it as quickly as she could, and continued to hold her breath for a few more seconds after the words were out. She couldn’t take them back now, but wasn’t sure she would if she could. Evan looked shell shocked as he stared at her.

“How?” He finally said. “We used protection…” He said slowly, staring at her, then a thought seemed to dawn on him. “You cheated on me.” He said.

All Alice could think was, _here we go again_ , as Evan yelled at her, the same way he had when they’d broken up right after she was first recruited. She marveled at how similar the situations were, except then it was her distance, and now it was her pregnancy. Evan had never thought he could have kids, but she knew now that he had been wrong. Unfortunately, she couldn’t prove him wrong about this unless she had her child have DNA tests in order to prove Evan was the father. She would not subject her child to that kind of scrutiny, nor would she force Evan into a position he clearly did not want.

“All you are is a whore.” He finally spat at her. “You deserve everything you get.” He said as he stalked out of her little apartment. She hadn’t allowed the tears to flow as he’d looked at her, but she did now. It was hard for her to believe that he could accuse her of the same thing twice in their lives without proof on either account. She clutched her stomach as the sobs racked her body harder, then curled up in the fetal position on the couch. She considered temporarily reverting, just once, to cutting herself again, but didn’t know how that may affect her child.  

She was still there two-and-a-half hours later when Cameron got to her house. She wasn’t expecting him to visit, and so didn’t anticipate him walking in to see her curled into a ball on the couch with a tear-stained face. He immediately walked up to her and picked her up, holding her close as her body still trembled. “What’s wrong, little cousin?” He asked her. This time, she did not smile.

As she was still emotionally weak from what had gone down with Evan, she told him everything. The years she’d spent cutting herself, seeing him again for the first time in two years, being with him again, leaving, and finding out she was pregnant. She finished her tale with what he’d said to her.  

“Are you sure he really meant that? I mean, it could just be the way you took the words.” Cameron said, not yet willing to believe one man could screw up so royally twice in his life, nor that he would have the guts to say that to his cousin. Alice simply got up and retrieved the tape-recorder, rewound the tape, and let him listen to the entire conversation.

“Fuck.” His single curse word was ripe and vicious, and he hugged his cousin tight. She might have been nearly a year older than him, but she was fairly shorter than he was, and so he gave her the nickname ‘Little Cousin’. It always made her laugh, but he’d known something was very wrong when she hadn’t laughed at the name today, but hadn’t realized it was quite that bad. Though he should have, it almost took cutting off Alice’s arm, even back in high school, to make her cry- unless she was angry.

He gentled his hold as he felt her bones, knowing only then how tight he was squeezing her. “You should have called me when you suspected you were pregnant. I thought you’d already known, and was just savoring it in silence for a little while.”

“I was going to call you, was headed for the phone, but then I heard someone knocking, and there he was.” She murmured. “I was going to ask if you knew where the best place for me to move to would be. I need to get out of here, this isn’t really the best neighborhood, and I want to get a teaching job.” She told him. His black hair fell into his face, nearly covering his sharp green eyes as he looked down at her.

“It sounds like you need to move to my neighborhood.” He said it very slowly. Speaking now would be like picking his way through a battlefield, but Alice didn’t say anything at all. “I don’t know if they’ll be a house up for sale anytime soon, but it’s a nice, upscale neighborhood, with a good school. I don’t know what kind of teacher’s they may be looking for, but I’m sure they’ll take you on. You just need to be flexible, but inflexible at the same time.” He said, knowing she knew exactly what he meant. “Hey, is it alright if I stay here tonight?” He asked. “It’s getting dark, and I almost hit a deer last night. I don’t want to chance that again.” He said, trying to think of something else off the top of his head that would sound like a valid reason for him to want to stay.   

“Sure.” She said, surprising him- yet again- as he’d expected her to try to argue that he needed to go home. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She said, rising on her toes to give him one last hug. “I love you.” She whispered in his ear, and he knew she saw right through his ruse.

“I love you too, Little Cousin.” He said. She let out a small laugh this time, then walked into her small bedroom, leaving him to the large guest room. He pulled out his phone and texted Alice’s mother. She had sent him to check on her daughter, as she knew what had happened nearly a year ago, and worried about the girl. He didn’t tell her about Evan’s visit.

_She’s fine, just a little shaken from one of her books. ~ Cameron_

He turned off his phone and closed it- not wanting to lie to Alice’s mother any more than necessary. He went outside to grab his duffle bag out of his truck, and was confronted face to face with Evan leaning against his truck. “So, you’re the guy that’s sleeping with Alice now.” He bitterly spat out.

“Not exactly.” Cameron said, trying to keep his calm. “She’s my cousin, I’m staying over.”

“Why?” Cameron looked at the guy leaning against his truck. He didn’t recognize him.

“Dude, stop leaning on my truck. I’m staying because she’s in no condition to take care of herself. Her ex visited today, nearly caused her to regress.” He said as he pulled out his duffle and first-aid kit. “I’m staying to make sure she gets better, not worse.” He said, thinking the guy that was finally off his truck was just a nosy neighbor. He shut his truck’s door, locked it, and walked away. He glanced back once to see the strange man studying the ground, almost as if it held all the answers in the world.

Cameron’s mind finally clicked into action once he got half-way up the stairs, and cursed lowly and much more violently than he had in front of Alice. The guy leaning against his truck was Evan, not a neighbor- nosy or otherwise. He glanced out of the window to see if the mother fucker was still standing there, but Evan had disappeared.

  
  



End file.
